Currently fixed on “Riptide” by Melbourne singer-songwriter Vance Joy.

Sounds Like: A soundtrack of folk songs from summer camp in 1973

Enjoy while: Drinking ciders with friends

Interesting fact: Vance has just signed a 5 album deal with Atlantic Records in the US

The secret to happiness is self-love (and not the sexual kind).

It may have become evident that I often discuss “self-love”. I believe that self-love is the hardest thing for gay men to achieve, the lack of which is at the root of most our dysfunctional behaviour. Many gay men still hold onto the shame of being gay, remnants of their closeted days which makes self-love even more allusive. But it’s not just gay men who suffer, all of humanity experiences feelings of fear, self doubt and self loathing; these are universal characteristics of the human condition.

Gay men, however have found excellent ways of masking these fears. We create fabulous and flamboyant personas, engage in regular sex and devote our time to aesthetic pursuits all in order to mask our true feelings. I’ve always thought that those people who display extreme traits are often masking the exact opposite. The loudest and most confident people are often the most scared, the people having the most sex are the loneliest, the most popular are afraid of not being liked and the most vain are never content with their appearance.

So how do we overcome our self loathing and fear? How do we find happiness within ourselves? I’ve been fascinated with these questions for as long as I can remember because I truly believe that only when you are happy does everything else fall into place. Only once you love yourself, can you be loved by others, romantically or in the broader sense. We try change external factors (jobs, partners, friends, cities etc) to make ourselves happy when all we really need to do is change ourselves.

Last night while trawling Youtube I found a video that offered a very simple answer to the happiness question. It proposed the easiest approach to finding fulfilment that I’ve ever come across (and I’ve done a fair bit of research!). Ask yourself this question:

“What would someone who loved themselves do?”

In whatever situation you may be, ask yourself “what would someone who loved themselves do?”. I can assure you that your whole perspective will change immediately. If you’re feeling upset, confused, enraged or bored ask yourself again  ”what would someone who loved themselves do?” – the answer will come to you instinctively and those feelings will be quashed immediately.

Try this with me for the next week and let me know how it works for you. To watch the video Click Here.

Photo Credit: Diana Scheunemann

If you’re not in Tel Aviv this weekend then you’re missing out.

Tel Aviv Pride is celebrated throughout the month of June with beach parties, exhibitions, festivals, concerts and a city-wide Pride Parade which attracts over 20,000 international visitors. In 2012 Tel Aviv was named the ‘World’s Best Gay City’ and take it from someone who has visited the place 3 times, it certainly deserves the title. Not only are the men gorgeous but the vibe of the city is electric. It is often referred to as “the (other) city that never sleeps” due to the nighttime culture and general YOLO attitude of the Israeli people: I guess that’s a result of living in a hostile region where YOLO takes on a whole new meaning.

Israel has a very progressive attitude towards homosexuality, particularly when it comes to treatment of gays in the military. Openly gay soldiers serve without hindrance in all branches of the military. Discrimination against gay and lesbian soldiers in recruitment, placement and promotion is prohibited as is harassment on the grounds of sexual orientation.The military recognizes same-sex couples, including widows and widowers of the same-sex, while homosexuals have been allowed to serve openly since 1993.

Where else in the Middle East could you get away with this camp Pride video (without fear of persecution)?

“Welcome to the jungle, we’ve got fun and games” – Guns ‘n Roses

As the Northern Hemisphere emerges from winter, it’s time to update your wardrobe with summer prints. Perhaps this is the summer that we’ll replace cut-off jean shorts and revealing singlets with more sophisticated options? Perhaps not.

Whether you live in the north or plan to travel to Europe (hello Mykonos!), here’s model Sean O’Pry showing you how summer fashion is done in a new editorial entitled “Jungle Fever” from Schon! Magazine styled by Andrew Holden.

If you’ve become somewhat jaded like me with modern male celebrities then history is the best place to turn for some enduring examples of true sex symbols. You can keep your Pitts, Efrons and Clooney’s but please leave me with my Brando. Often described as “rock ‘n roll, before anyone knew what rock ‘n roll was”, Marlon Brando earned a bad boy reputation for his public antics. But it was his work in films such as A Streetcar named Desire, The Wild One and later on in his career The Godfather, that cemented Brando as a cultural icon.

Born in Omaha, Nebraska on April 3, 1924, Marlon Brando’s popularity endured for over 60 years. What’s most exciting for The Modern Gay was Brando’s openness about his homosexual experiences, stating in an interview in 1976, “Homosexuality is so much in fashion it no longer makes news. Like a large number of men, I, too, have had homosexual experiences and I am not ashamed. I have never paid much attention to what people think about me. But if there is someone who is convinced that Jack Nicholson and I are lovers, may they continue to do so. I find it amusing.”  Over 30 years later I have yet to hear another famous male actor speak so openly about their sexuality let alone about their gay experiences. Brando also supposedly had an affair with James Dean.

Is who you date a reflection of who you are?

A friend of mine once admitted that he was sexually aroused by the sight of himself naked in the mirror. Instead of other forms of visual stimulation, he openly admitted that when it came to special “alone” time, his own reflection was enough to do the job. There are two things you need to know about this friend: 1. he’s extremely handsome by most people’s standards and 2. he makes Narcissus look like Mother Theresa. I’ve watched the string of boyfriends that have come and gone through his life and although they’ve been of different ages and nationalities, they’ve all had one thing in common – they look identical to him. This made me think about boyfriends and whether or not one’s boyfriend is a reflection of one’s self.

Have you noticed those cute gay couples who look like they could be brothers or father and son for the matter? Sure, some may argue that couples begin to look and act similar over time, much like dogs and their owners but I would suggest that who you choose to date is in fact a reflection of yourself. The short-buff-gym-dude dates other short-buff-gym-dudes much like the narcissistic model dates other narcissistic models or the blondes date blondes etc. So then what does it mean if you’re like me and you date people who are polar opposites? Is this the reflection of  subconscious self-love issues? Maybe. But I would choose to think that it is because you are attracted to people who have qualities that complement your own (whether physical or not).

I’m not assuming that everyone who is attracted to someone of a similar aesthetic or nature is narcissistic, I’m simply discussing extreme examples of the phenomena and trying to draw conclusions. From a more positive perspective, dating someone who looks like you may be a sign that you are comfortable with your inner self. A few years ago I broke up with a boyfriend because he liked things about me that I hated about myself so clearly there was something wrong with him. Now I realise that you can’t truly be open to love if you haven’t accepted yourself, although this realisation hasn’t changed the types of men I date.

There are obviously other factors involved in the subconscious attraction process (like LOA – Read Here) but it’s much easier to look at the superficial reasons so I would love to hear your feedback on the observation that who you date is indeed a reflection of yourself. 

Photo Credit: Patriota Twins by Rick Day for FantasticMag

Currently fixed on “Elouisa” by Australian duo The Swiss.

Sounds Like: Tropo-funk disco

Enjoy while: Eating breakfast by the pool with some groovy ladies after a night partying at Studio 54.

Geek Chic is made cool in this shoot by Tony Duran featuring sexy, bald, model Tomas Skoloudik.

Currently fixed on “I Didn’t Believe” by Aussie DJ duo Flight Facilities feat. Elizabeth Rose.

Sounds Like: The soundtrack to a sexy summer.

Enjoy while: Partying with your best friends on the beach at Calvi on the Rocks this July in France.

Jimmy and Hugo from “Flight Facilities”.

Gaydar.net has released the results of a survey of 4,000 of its male members in a bid to piece together which characteristics respondents find the most attractive in male celebrities. Members rated various celebrity body parts and personality traits from David Beckham to Zac Efron.

According to the poll, the sexiest man would have a combination of former English ruby player Ben Cohen’s chest, Taylor Lautner’s stomach, Ronaldo’s behind, Hugh Jackman’s biceps and personality, and David Beckham’s legs, tattoos and wealth. In terms of facial features, the most attractive combination as voted by Gaydar members would include Brad Pitt’s smile, Gerard Butler’s voice, Jake Gyllenaal’s eyes and nose, Zac Efron’s hairstyle, Tom Hardy’s lips and  actor Jason Statham’s jaw.

Personality and talent were also considered. Respondents chose Gerard Butler’s personality, David Beckham’s sex appeal, Amir Khan’s sporting skill and Jude Law’s dress sense as qualities they would love in a partner.

The sexiest celebrity overall was David Beckham. While David was also the celebrity gay guys would most like to introduce to their parents (13%), a similar percentage of guys (12%) said they would actually avoid him, suggesting that although sexy, not everyone thinks Becks is relationship material.

For full results of the survey including a picture of what the “perfect” man looks like when all these features are combined, visit Gaydar’s Blog

Image: David LaChappelle.

The Modern Gay Guide to Life is a platform to share ideas about what it means to be a gay man in the modern world. We all have different experiences, come from different backgrounds and therefore have different perspectives. In the following two part true story a gay Muslim man shares his experiences with dating, the gay scene, religion and Grindr. 

I have a heavy heart tonight. I can’t help but feel sad and lonely as I write this but before I get into the cause of my heartache, I’d like to start from the beginning. I’d like to talk about another kind of gay man.

I was born in Pakistan to an orthodox Muslim family. My childhood was typical; I had a loving family who provided me with everything. I was like every other kid, but as I grew older I noticed my attraction to men. Something, which I didn’t understand because homosexual orientation as it exists in the West is not understood at all in my culture so there was no one to speak to. I didn’t think much of it until in high school all I heard was boys talk about girls but I couldn’t relate. I rationalised it to myself by saying that I was raised by a strong maternal figure and had close female friends so I looked at women more for their personality than their looks. I did, however, explore my sexuality a little thanks to online groups and met guys who were going through the same thing (even if such guys were hard to find since most Pakistani men, like other men seemed to be using such groups for quick sex).

When I was 19, I moved to Australia to study at university. Living away from home and everyone I knew gave me the chance to explore my sexuality but my social and cultural indoctrination got the best of me and I remained closeted. I did, however, meet someone and fell in love (or what I thought was love). He had a similar background but was older, more open and confident than I was, which I couldn’t help but admire. It was unrequited love though and while he enjoyed the attention he wasn’t honest enough to tell me up front that nothing was going to happen.  Obviously, it ended in heartbreak, shook my confidence and I retreated back into my own world and explored my feelings once again discreetly through the Internet. At that time, I was still convinced that I was bisexual and still dated women but it never went anywhere. I end up seeing a counselor at unviversity, who provided me with a space to explore my thoughts on my orientation, especially what it meant for someone who was Muslim. I went through periods of rejecting either my Muslim or queer background but with her help I was able to realize that I could be both, I just had to find a sense of balance within the two.

Around that time, I discovered an American organisation called Muslims for Progressive Values, that works on various issues such as the lack of support for LGBT Muslims, which is where I found my spiritual home. Listening to these people (even if they’re a minority) and striking a friendship with a prominent Imam, Amina Wadud, and hearing her thoughts on equality for queer Muslims helped me reconcile my faith and sexuality. I took baby steps and I came out to my brother, a few cousins and friends. The reactions I received varied from total support to severed relationships. My brother and my cousins while not entirely supportive evolved and tried to understand my position. I am still grateful for their response as they grew up in a conservative and sheltered environment where they never had to deal with an openly gay person. My Australian friends who I came out to couldn’t understand my need to be discreet because of my Muslim background but were supportive nonetheless.

That also gave me the boost to go out in the scene and try to make gay friends. In my naivety, I thought it would be easy and that for a minority, gay guys would be quite open-minded and accepting of each other. However, I didn’t realize how superficial the scene was and how I wasn’t considered “worthy” to befriend because being a person of colour and “unfit”, I didn’t fit the image of a desirable gay man. Some guys laughed in my face at the idea of me trying to be friends with them because of my looks. I was also ridiculed because I followed a faith most of them did not understand and considered violent and archaic. My experience in gay settings was almost entirely negative because I found guys to be cliquey, bitchy, shallow and snobby. I still persevered for a while and tried to make gay friends. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very successful. Slowly, I realized that I didn’t need to be a part of the scene and while gay friends would be nice, they didn’t have to be a priority. I have since met a handful of really nice gay guys through work and friends who have become good friends.

Eventually, I met guys who were interested in dating me but it still hasn’t been easy and at 28, I find it slightly disappointing that the longest I’ve been with someone is a couple of months. My first substantial dating experience was only in September last year, when I started talking to a guy on Grindr. He was intelligent, witty and funny and I couldn’t help being attracted to him. We got along well and started dating. Things, at least in my head, were going well and I could see myself being with this person long term. However, I didn’t know that he had a secret of his own. A couple of months later I realized how interconnected we all are. I was out with a few friends and met someone who was talking about his boyfriend who seemed suspiciously similar to my current flame. The similarities were so striking that the next time I saw him I mentioned it to him. He initially was in shock but then admitted everything; he had been with this guy for 5 years and while he still loved him, he also had strong feelings for me and wanted to explore things with me. Disgusted by the dishonesty and hating myself for being the other one, I ended things.

Stay tuned to The Modern Gay Guide to Life for Part Two when our author bravely admits the lengths he went to in order to try find love and the consequences of his actions.

To share your story please email josh@joshvansant.com

One of the most important lessons to learn in order to survive this adventure that we call “life” is that no matter what obstacles you face, within you exists the power to overcome everything that is thrown your way. If you have yet to recognise that power, simply keep moving forward and it will reveal itself in time.

Image: Bertil Nilsson

In Part One of his story, our author describes his experiences as a Muslim man coming to terms with his homosexuality, dating and the gay scene. In the final chapter we find out more detail of our author’s relationships as well as an incident that he shamefully regrets which was the result of his previous dating experiences.

A few weeks later, I met someone else. We connected over our shared interest in spirituality. It also helped that he was extremely handsome but jaded by my previous experiences, I couldn’t understand why he was interested in me. We hung out, got along and got intimate and it was nice and the attention made me feel special. Obviously, there had to be a catch. He was an escort. While I don’t judge him for his choices, I couldn’t imagine myself being in anything but a monogamous relationship so I ended it.

A few months later I met someone again. By now, I had completely given up hope of dating someone but when it happened, I thought I should have an open mind. We went out for a few weeks and seemed to get along well but then he decided to break things off as I wasn’t “gay enough” for him. I still don’t understand what that means because for me as a man who’s attracted to other men and sees myself in a relationship with a man, that is what being gay is about. What it meant for him though was that I didn’t frequent the scene and he felt that if things became serious then he would never be able to meet my family. I can understand the latter but in retrospect it also showed a lack of empathy. My family comes from and still lives in a very conservative part of the world, which has no understanding of what it means to be gay. Homosexuality as it exists in Muslim cultures currently is not about orientation but sex. In addition, if you’re doing something that is not acceptable to the mainstream, the idea is to do it within the privacy of your home and not publicise it. This is also a culture where even admission of heterosexual pre-marital sex is disapproved so me coming out might not only mean complete rejection but also possibly assault (as has happened to someone I know by their father when he came out). Explaining my orientation and getting them to understand it requires time and patience. While I’m not there yet, I think by slowly coming out to people from my own generation I have made progress and allies for when I inevitably come out to them.

These recent dating experiences had left me distraught and emotionally exhausted. I had also drifted apart from several close friends, and was caring for some other friends who within a few months of each other had lost a loved one. Having no one else to speak to and feeling quite lonely and depressed, I slipped up and found an unhealthy outlet. I still can’t understand how it even happened but I created a fake profile on Grindr to find an escape. It’s too uncomfortable for me to even admit but all the loneliness helped me create an alternative reality quite easily, which I was easily able to sell to others on Grindr. Most of it was nothing more than harmless flirting; but there was one exception. As I admit to this, I am almost in tears. I started chatting with this amazing guy, N.T. and we connected over our love of Trance music. I can’t say enough good things about him. He’s so funny, kind and incredibly sweet that my alter ego and him became good friends. I could just unwind, joke and be someone else that I conveniently forgot that this would only cause both him and I pain in the long term.

However, as time went on I couldn’t ignore what I was doing. It was out of character, unhealthy and disgusted me because I was deceiving someone the same way I had been deceived. I sought professional help and it was suggested that instead of telling the truth, I disappear. But my sense of accountability prevailed and I finally came clean to him. Even in his anger and disappointment he was so kind and gracious to me and he listened to me as I tried to rationalise and explain my behaviour.

This is why I have such a heavy heart right now. If I had been less lonely and had the courage to be more open, I probably wouldn’t have done this. Writing this is my way of trying to articulate and explain to him what happened. N.T., I am so sorry that in my desire to forget my problems for a while, I lied to you and hurt you. You’re one of the few gay guys who made me feel like I was more than just my background and while I disappointed you, talking to you made me so happy and allowed me to share our love of music, be lighthearted, funny and laugh again. I can’t thank you enough for that. It couldn’t be more bittersweet and ironic that as you lifted my spirits, I damaged yours.

Sharing my story is also a request to gay culture to be a little more understanding and less harsh on its minorities. Yes, there are people who don’t fit your perceptions but they’re a minority within a minority. After dealing with cultures, which reject them for lack of understanding or tolerance, when they face another blow in what they assume is a safe haven damages their self worth even more.

If you would like to share your story, please email josh@joshvansant.com

It’s hotting up around the world, especially in Cyrpus where these pictures of Cyprian dancer Panos Malactos were taken by photographer Pantelis for Coitus Magazine.

Swimwear by House of Quinn.

For more pictures click here

I’ve been dating men for close to a decade and in that time I’ve learnt some valuable lessons, the most important of which is that “games are for children”. Before I elaborate, let me share with you a recent experience that perfectly highlights my point.

I recently went on a date with an attractive younger guy. He seemed keen from the get go to set a time and place to meet and after a few false starts we finally agreed on a night that suited us both. We met for drinks in a bar one evening and indulged in interesting conversation. Although I’m reluctant to date younger men, he seemed mature beyond his years and I was captivated by his ambition and intelligence. My professional background has made me cautious however of people who are very skilled at selling themselves. I’ve come across many characters who present themselves well but fail to actually “deliver the goods” when it comes to crunch time. I threw caution to the wind as our banter intensified and our conversation became candid.

I should have been weary of the fact that he was still coming to terms with his sexuality, (one of my dating rules is to try avoid bisexual/questioning/closeted men as their journey of self discovery often adds a level of difficulty to the relationship) but once again I ignored my better judgement. Regardless of his stage of homosexual progress, I was lured into a false sense  that this guy was different. We openly discussed the topic of “leading people on” and I stated my position: I would rather blatantly be told that someone wasn’t interested in me than to be led on. He agreed. We finished our drinks, said our goodbyes and both agreed that another date was imminent. On my way home he sent me a message, the contents of which confirmed (in my mind at least) his interest and that he had enjoyed the date as much as I had. I responded similarly.

Two days past and reflecting on the date and the open and honest conversations we had shared, I decided to message him to make plans for dinner. Some may say that two days is too short of time to reinitiate correspondence but believing that we shared similar dating values, I decided to go ahead anyway. The afternoon passed and I waited for a response. By 11:00pm and with no response I justified that perhaps he had been under pressure at work and hadn’t had the time to write back. After two days it became evident that I was never going to receive a response.

I was completely confused by the situation and unsure why someone who supposedly held similar values to me would not respond to a simple SMS, even with an honest “thanks, but no thanks”. Secretly hoping that he had been hit by a car (why else would he not have responded?), I scoured his Facebook page to check for “get well soon” messages but unfortunately he was fine. Actually he was better than fine. From what I gathered from the tagged pictures and status updates he was enjoying a very social weekend. Normally such a situation would not have affected me. I’ve come across dozens of immature boys who’ve acted similarly and easily brushed it off as learning experiences but I was shocked. Not shocked because he had convinced me that he was different, but shocked because I had believed him. I had ignored my dating intuition which had told me to be weary of questioning, younger boys and I had been duped.

The only conclusion that I can draw from this experience is that it had all been a game and I hadn’t been playing by the rules. But I never wanted to play the game in the first place. Through my many dating experiences, I’ve realised the pointlessness of game playing and how it becomes a boring and endless cycle. I’ve learnt to be open and honest from the onset as this is the only way of attracting likeminded people. I believe that game playing is a reflection of our need for attention; it’s the insecure child inside of us that wants to be wanted by others in order to feel worthy. We chase after other people’s affection to satisfy our own insatiable need to be loved and once we’ve received their attention and affection we lose interest and start a new game with someone different. When someone plays all their cards and shows too much affection or attention too soon then our interest wains just as quick. This is the genesis of the saying “be mean, keep them keen”. If you deny someone of the one thing they need (love/attention/affection) then they’ll keep chasing you until you give it to them.

The moral of the story is that game playing is unnecessary and reflects poorly on the person who is consciously or subconsciously playing to “win”. At the end of the day there are no winners. We are meant to be in this together so that we can find a partner who loves us for who we are and not how tactical we are at playing with their emotions. Honesty is often said to be the best medicine. If you like someone, tell them and if you’re not digging their vibe then have the balls to tell them that too.

Image Credit: Circus Maximus by Julia Hetta

Britain has officially legalised gay marriage after Queen Elizabeth II gave her royal assent to a bill approved by both houses of parliament, paving the way for the first same-sex weddings to take place next year.

MPs in parliament’s lower House of Commons first voted in favour of gay marriage in February, despite fierce opposition from some Conservative MPs. The House of Lords formally approved the bill on Monday, and it went back to the Commons for their final nod on Tuesday night after MPs agreed to changes such as ensuring protections for transgender couples.

The Queen’s assent, given in her capacity as head of state, was then announced in both chambers of parliament on Wednesday, at which point it became law.

Article from abc.net.au and image by Matthias Vriens-McGrath

Next Friday, 26th July, The Modern Gay will be travelling to the beautiful beachside town of Byron Bay on the North Coast of New South Wales in Australia for “Splendour in the Grass“, a three-day music festival extravaganza. The line-up is basically a soundtrack to my Modern Gay Life from 1998 until today and includes:

Frank Ocean, The National, Mumford and Sons, Empire of the Sun, Klaxons, The Presets, Flume, Passion Pit, James Blake, Flight Facilities, Fat Freddy’s Drop, Cold War Kids, Haim, Sarah Blasko, James Blake, MS MR, Of Monsters and Men, Chet Faker, Birds of Tokyo, Vance Joy, Mitzi and many others.

Amongst the aforementioned artists is The Polyphonic Spree, a choral symphonic psychedelic pop rock band that produces music that would most definitely be enjoyed by members of a new-age cult that worshiped the rainbow dragon and believed that “love” was the only law to follow. Here’s my favourite song, “Hold Me Now”, which only confirms my willingness to be part of such a cult.

If you’re attending Splendour in the Grass then make sure you tweet me @joshvansant and we can schedule a Modern Gay dance off.

Sometimes the sexiest look is the simplest to achieve – a pair of blue jeans and a white shirt with a leather jacket. In this editorial for Schon! Magazine, styled by Luca Termine and shot by Stefan Giftthaler, model Franky channels Marlon Brando in the 1953 film “The Wild One”.

It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Marlon Brando. His brooding demeanour, masculinity and timeless handsomeness make him the epitome of “cool”. And let’s not forget his openness about his sexuality which he discusses here.

To purchase a copy of Schon! click here.

Openly gay Australian comedian Josh Thomas could very well be the face of the modern gay man. His quirky character, hysterically crude yet witty personality, diminutive frame and awkwardly loveable mannerisms are the antithesis of the superficial muscleman image that permeates gay culture. But like most 26 year olds who are exploring their sexuality, Josh has had his fill of interesting experiences from coming out of the closet to dating his first boyfriend which he shares with audiences through his hilarious stand-up comedic routines.

Now the GQ Comedian of the Year Award winner brings his story to America in a 6 episode series entitled “Please Like Me” which Thomas created, wrote, starred in and produced. The laugh-out-loud funny and charming coming-of-age show is based on the actual painfully awkward events of Thomas, who is clearly going through a quarter-life crisis. The series follows him as he heads towards his 21st birthday and, in the span of 24 hours, is dumped by his girlfriend, Claire, realizes he may be gay and moves in with his mother, Rose, who has just attempted suicide.